The Book of dreams

Aku ada sebuah buku.

'Book of dreams' tajuknya. Buku murah. Aku beli di mesir dengan harga 6 genih waktu itu. Masa aku beli buku tu, ada satu sebab je.

Aku ada banyak sangat impian.

Kononnya, aku akan list all my dream at the top of each page. Then, di setiap page tu aku boleh tulis ape sahaja - start daripada ape yang aku nak acheive through that dream and macammana. So it's full with technicality.

Masa first buat tu, I have around more than 20 pages yang aku tulis kepala tajuk dia. Aku tulis everything - from doctor to proper abid to writer. Semuanya.

Then, day by day, the pages are filled. Setiap hari aku akan go through pages yang masih empty - kut datang idea macammana nak plan.

Aku buat buku tu pada 29/2/2016 - simply because its a leap day. It seems special. Dan hari ini - 25/3/2016 - tak sampai sebulan pun tapi aku dah sampai jauh.

Bawah topic 'bisness' aku dah sampai ke tahap nak meeting investors. Bawah topic 'language' aku dah start susun jadual study and dah start study pun for taking exam in summer.

And the list go on.

But there are still 2 pages that are still empty. Well, kalau tanya why - mungkin sebab aku sendiri tak ready. Dan boleh jadi aku sendiri tak pasti what kind of preparation I should do.

The first one is 'marriage'. Yeah. Hmm.

I don't even know what to talk about it. Its not that I don't like anyone. Atau aku tak suka idea disebalik manisnya perkahwinan tu. Tapi.. Bila fikir nak tulis ape bawah 'what to acheive' tu - rasa tanggungjawab yang sangat berat.

Apatah lagi bila plan. Fuh.

I knew I should start plan. Tapi, aku ambil keputusan perancangan terbaik adalah untuk baiki diri menjadi yang terbaik.

And to do that, is by acheiving my dreams. So basicly - book of dreams ni dikira plan nak kahwin la.

Err. Ok.

The other page is.. Death.

Well, Aku kena sedar yang ajal boleh sampai bila-bila. Malah, mungkin lagi cepat dari kahwin tadi. Masa aku tengok 'what to achieve',  aku bayangkan satu je. husnul khatimah.

Cuma..

How?

Aku bayangkan a death letter or books yang simpan maklumat penting when I died. Semua username dan password yang ada. Semua hutang. Semua janji dan amanah. Semua kisah penting yang aku tak sempat cerita.

But.. I can't do it.

Just the idea of it make me cry.

And my hand trembles everytime I try to write.

The books of dreams.

Setiap hari aku selak.

Setiap hari aku sampai ke 2 mukasurat yang kosong ni.

Marriage is one thing.

Even if I'm not prepared, ataupun tak tahu macammana nak plan,

I still can avoid it.

But how on earth can I cheat death?

Cruel life

How cruel life can be?
When you are struggle in between improving slowly or get things swiftly.

When you try to improve slowly,
things start to fall out in peices as you try to catch up with you self.
When you start speeding up,
You missed the details and ended up reaching to target without meaning.

Making decision, its too hard.

You can't make decision without hurting other people feeling.
So, you ended up hurting your self to settle things.

But,
When others are ignoring you,
Should you ignore you self too?

It comes to a moment - where hurting become natural.

Hard

If I keep following the flow, I wonder how long will I survive.

So I thought of taking control. But, it's not that easy. It's harder when you are an adult. You tend to think much before you do things. You scared often. And dare not to take a chance.